This Is The Way I Live

         Everyone will have different ways of handling cancer and there is no correct way in doing so. For me, cancer affects me everyday. Everyday I think about it. When I am watching TV, no matter what channel, cancer comes up. When I am in my car listening to the radio, cancer comes up. This happens numerous times a day. It's strange to say the least.
         When I am just hanging around I tend to think about my experience and that always brings me to tears. I am not sure why; maybe because it consumed so much of my time and brought me to places I never thought I would be. I mean it tried taking my life.
         Am I scared of it? That's a good question. I think I am aware of how strong it is and the damage it can do, but I truly don't think it scares me. I believe cancer is only as strong as you allow it to be. Now don't get me wrong, Stage IV is still very severe no matter what you think of it, but if you don't allow it to break you down then it doesn't become as strong as it can if you do. I handled my cancer just like that. I did what I had to do. I faced it head-on.
         It may sound strange but I talked to my cancer. I viewed my body as my fortress, which is why I workout so much. Unfortunately cancer got into my fortress and tried to take over. So what I did was during my chemo treatments I would look in the mirror and talk to where my tumor was and vow that it may have gotten in but it soon would be gone. I declared war on it. It was not going to win. I watched as my body became weak and was losing ground, but I still stood tall.
         At points my body was so weak I could barely move and I even remember one time it was so bad that I needed a blood transfusion. I remember getting to the hospital and having no strength to walk, and my mom trying to get me a wheelchair so I could get to the other end of the hospital but me just wanting to walk. Then when I arrived to where I was getting my chemo the nurse was shocked that I was able to walk because my counts were so low, and I told her that I just felt tired, nothing big.
         My cancer put up one hell of a fight, but it *$%ed with the wrong person. I will probably be a little nervous every time I go for a scan because there is always that chance it will be back. I will never fear that it will though. Worst comes to worst I will do what I did the first time around. I will stand tall and face it head- on.

Striking a (Vocal) Chord

         So yesterday, March 1, I went to Dr. Zalvan's office to have injections done to my vocal chords. The idea is that the injection will increase the size of the vocal chord that doesn't work thus producing a stronger sounding voice. So I got to the office with mixed ideas on what was going to happen. I wanted my voice back because not having one made me feel as if I wasn't me. I wanted to be me again. I wanted the voice of a healthy person, not the voice of a sick person, because at this point I am healthy.
         So the procedure was really quick, only took three minutes. First they numbed my nose and throat. Then he stuck a camera up my nose so he could see where he was injecting. Then he said, "Don't swallow, you're going to feel like your drowning and you kind of are." Next thing I know something is getting squirted down my throat and I try not to choke! Then I get jabbed in the throat with the needle, he injects my vocal chord, and before I know it I am able to talk with a more normal voice.
          It will take a couple of weeks and several speech therapy sessions until my regular voice is back, but at this point I could not be any happier. Today I officially feel like my life is coming back and I can begin to live. It is absolutely amazing what is possible in the world of medicine. Thank you Dr. Z for this gift you have given me.